


Amidst All Our (nearly) Forgotten Memories

by Solitudinarian



Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst and Drama, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Break Up, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Don't copy to another site, Emotional Hurt, F/F, F/M, Fights, Friendship, Graduation, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, I changed Cupcake's name, It sounds like it might have just been a nickname, Jamie losing faith in the Guardians, M/M, Nostalgia, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Older Jamie Bennett (Rise of the Guardians), Oneshot, Panic Attacks (mentioned), Post-Canon, Sad, Winter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:01:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22480720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solitudinarian/pseuds/Solitudinarian
Summary: He started as a flurry of snowflakes seemed to rise from the floor only seconds later, swirling in a spiral that seemed to grow in height, tickling and nipping at his nose. Before he had the time to fully comprehend much of anything, arms wrapped around him from behind and he let out a startled squeak, turning around only to be faced with the fading image of a boy with startling blue eyes and a crooked smile.Over time, Jamie had realized that there were two things in his life that he was certain of: his family and his unwavering faith in the Guardians of Childhood. A few years, even a few months, ago, he wouldn't have even considered the possibility of losing his faith in the Guardians. Now though, he almost wished he had never met them or had just been able to stop believing in them entirely.
Relationships: Cupcake/Pippa (Rise of the Guardians), Jamie Bennett & Claude (Rise of the Guardians), Jamie Bennett & Cupcake (Rise of the Guardians), Jamie Bennett & Monty, Jamie Bennett & Pippa, Jamie Bennett/Claude, Jamie Bennett/Jack Frost, Jamie Bennett/Pippa (mentioned)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	Amidst All Our (nearly) Forgotten Memories

_The happy cries of the eleven-year-olds filled the air as they slid across the ice, some managing to balance just fine on their skates while some kept falling._

_Jamie kept chattering excitedly to his friend, Cupcake, even as he struggled to stay upright on the ice._

_"Jamie, pay attention," his mother called out. "Or you'll fall again."_

_Jamie paid no heed to these words of caution, too invested in his rambling to even glance at anything else around him._

_"Jack promised he'd teach me this year. He has to be the best at this," he was saying. "I mean, he creates ice and he's good at everything else he-oof!"_

_Cupcake smirked as Jamie fell once again, determined to get back up on his feet (and probably ramble on about Jack Frost)._

_She sniggered as she sing-songed, "Jamie's in love with Jack Frost."_

_"I am not!" Jamie sputtered defensively, as he blushed a bright red, only to be laughed at in response._

* * *

Jamie drifted in and out of consciousness, his legs tucked under him and his face buried in the back of the couch, too sleep-deprived to mind how uncomfortable the position was with him still wearing his glasses. The chords of the piano ringing through the air seemed distant and soft, lulling him to sleep. He didn't seem to notice the music slow down and die away, nor could he understand when exactly Pippa had stopped playing on the piano and had started calling (yelling) out his name. 

"-amie!" she shook his shoulder, jerking him awake. "Jamie Bennett, you idiot, don't you dare fall asleep on me!"

Jamie blinked up at her through bleary eyes, reluctantly sitting up straight and readjusting his glasses. 

Pippa stood with her arms crossed over her chest, face twisted into an uncharacteristic frown. "Jamie, you need to hear the entire piece this year. This is our last performance and we can't make mistakes."

"I'm sure it was great, Pippa," he said drowsily. "You've got nothing to worry about."

Pippa smacked him playfully over the head, smiling slightly. "Maybe you'd be sure about that if you had actually listened to it."

"Have Carrie listen to it, she's the least likely to fall asleep," he said, stretching his arms over his head and couldn't help but break into a grin. "Even if her opinion is a little biased." 

Pippa bit her lip, the smile fading from her face, intertwining her fingers.

"Yeah, well,” she said, looking strangely guilty. "I need as many opinions as I can get.”

Jamie rubbed the sleep from his eyes, choosing to say nothing. If Pippa wanted to talk about anything, she’d do it when she felt like it; till then, all concern directed at her would simply be dismissed with a smile and an, ‘i’m fine, there’s nothing to worry about.’

(Jamie tried very hard not to think about the fact that most of the time, whatever was bothering Pippa _was_ a cause for concern).

“The concert’s after the holidays,” Jamie said instead. “You’ve got time.”

Pippa crossed over to the sofa, plopping down on it. “It’s not nearly enough. It shouldn’t be bothering me as much as it is; I mean, I get the same amount of preparation time every year. But this time, it just seems so...final.”

Jamie could understand what she meant. It was December already, and the end of the year was approaching too early for his liking. It was hard to believe they would be graduating from school in a few months. Staring at the elaborately decorated Christmas tree standing in the corner of Carrie’s living room, he couldn’t suppress the sadness he felt at the fact that this might be the last Christmas they would get to spend together (he really hoped it wouldn’t be. Ideally, they would still be able to spend the holidays together after graduation, but who knew? Besides, he couldn’t shake the feeling that it just wouldn’t be the same). It still felt unreal, especially with him curled up on Carrie’s couch, half asleep; Pippa practising for her concert and the strong incense of peppermint and cinnamon wafting from the kitchen. They had done this during the holidays almost every year, so much so that it had almost become routine. Monty would always arrive later than he said he would, panting and clutching his trumpet in his hands. Pippa and Monty would then proceed to practice together, Carrie would bring hot chocolate, Claude and Caleb would probably arrive later, Jamie would drift off to sleep and all would be right with the world. He could almost pretend nothing had changed if it weren’t for the fact that Monty had moved away at the start of the year and Claude and Caleb probably weren't coming.

 _And whose fault is that?_ he thought to himself bitterly.

He dug his phone out of his pocket, checking his messages only to be filled with dread at seeing none from Claude. 

_Well, what else did you expect?_ he reprimanded himself.

His fingers hovered over the keypad for a few minutes, wondering if he should try and type out a message, but he thought better of it and shoved it back into his pocket. He tried not to think about the fact that it had been so easy to communicate with Claude up until a week ago.

"Claude will come around,” Pippa said sympathetically. ”He just needs some time, you can’t blame him.”

“You really think so?” Jamie said, keeping his eyes glued to the floor. “Because it sure as hell doesn’t look like he will.”

“You’ve been friends too long for him to shut you out completely,” she said, pushing her hair out of her face. “ But I still can’t believe you turned him down.”

Jamie simply sighed in response to that, glancing over at her warily. “Please tell me you didn’t put him up to that.” 

“Of course not,” Pippa said, shifting her gaze and twisting a lock of her hair around her finger. “He’s liked you for a really long time. I just...encouraged him to come out with his feelings and he happened to be open to the suggestion.”

“Don’t forget,” Carrie added, as she entered the room and deposited a tray with two mugs on the coffee table, along with a folder which she pushed towards Jamie. “You also gave him false hope.” 

“ _Pippa_ ,” Jamie said exasperatedly, recalling the incredibly awkward conversation he’d had with Claude, during which he had blushed and stammered his way through a confession, his eyes wide with an enormous amount of hope, only to be rejected moments later. Jamie remembered how awful he'd felt watching Claude walk away, shoulders slumped and gait heavy. They hadn’t spoken since and Jamie really hoped they could move past this and still be friends after. 

Pippa huffed indignantly. “I did not. I made it very clear that Jamie might not reciprocate his feelings.” 

Carrie snorted, seating herself beside Pippa on the couch and wrapping an arm around her waist. “I believe you told him that you were _pretty sure_ Jamie felt the same way.”

(If Jamie saw Pippa stiffen at the contact, he once again chose to keep silent).

“Well, I thought he did,” Pippa said, lifting her feet off the ground and tucking them underneath her. "They’ve always been really close.”

“Really close _friends_ ,” Carrie pointed out.”That is if they are still friends.”

“ _Cupcake,_ ” Jamie reprimanded, pointedly ignoring the glare she shot him for using the old nickname. “Can we talk about something else?”

Pippa sighed, resting her chin on her palm. “I just thought it’d be nice for Jamie to date someone, seeing as he hasn’t yet.” 

“I dated you,” Jamie said, leaning back against the couch in resignation, his eyes flicking to the ceiling.

“That doesn’t count, it was years ago, “ he heard Pippa groan. “And you’ve rejected everyone else who’s ever asked you. Maybe you should try asking someone out instead.”

“Well, that’s not happening,” Carrie teased. “Not while Jamie’s still smitten with Jack Frost.”

Jamie snapped his gaze back to her at that, attempting to glare. A strange look came over Pippa’s face, not unlike the one she wore every time the Guardians were brought up. She shrunk back from Carrie, wrapping her arms around herself. 

(Over the years, Jamie kept hoping that Carrie would eventually develop a better sense of tact and not make Pippa uncomfortable. She seemed to have retained most of her childish nature, though; not that everyone didn’t love her for it. Besides, it’s not like Jamie had any right to judge her.)

Normally, Pippa would try and ignore it, as if she hadn’t heard. Today, however, she seemed to be more disturbed by it than usual. The ease of company and the comfort of being at home suddenly seemed to wear thin and fade away; leaving Jamie feeling like he'd had cold water emptied on him.

“Carrie,” she whispered, looking from one of them to the other.“You both know that’s not possible.”

Carrie’s bright blue eyes faded to a dull green, she retracted her hand, looking at Pippa with indescribable emotion.

“Pippa,” she tried gently, as if attempting to approach a frightened cat .“I know you don’t believe it but-”

Pippa’s jaw tightened, her fists clenched in her lap. When she spoke, her voice was dangerously low. “I thought we’d talked about this.”

“I never agreed to any of it,” Carrie replied, her eyes wide with confusion and _fear_ at the sudden turn in the conversation. “Pippa, I don’t understand-”

“Forget it,” Pippa said, the fight draining from her and her shoulders slumping. She made to get up, despite Carrie’s protests. “Forget I said anything, not that you weren’t already planning to. I’ll see you later Jamie.”

And without a second glance at either of them, Pippa walked out of the living room and made for the front door. Jamie caught Carrie's hand as she made to follow Pippa. She looked at him with eyes full of frustration. 

"I don't understand-" she started but Jamie interrupted her by signalling at her to sit back down.

Carrie sank back down into the couch and only when they heard the sound of the front door closing did she let out a frustrated grunt. 

"I don't get," she started, fisting her hand and banging it on her knee, her voice vibrating with anger, "how this happens every single time and ends up being my fault. "

"I…don't know what to say," Jamie said honestly, feeling incredibly awkward. He reached out and put a hand on Carrie's trembling one. "How often have you been having fights like these?"

"I dunno," Carrie said, carding a hand through her hair. "At least once or twice a week."

Well, that wasn't good. Pippa hated arguing with anybody. So for her to be getting into ones with Carrie so frequently… 

_Some friend you are,_ he thought to himself. 

"You don't have to say anything," Carrie said, unclenching her fists. "This is just something we have to work out on our own."

"Just give her time, I guess," Jamie said, knowing he was being terribly unhelpful."It'll work out."

Carrie gave him sad look. "Come on, you can't really believe that, Jamie."

"I-" he started. "I do?"

Carrie let out a laugh or at least attempted to. "It's okay Jamie. Let's, uh, talk about something else, unless you want to leave."

"I'll stay," Jamie said unhesitatingly. That much he was sure about, he couldn't stand to leave Carrie alone after what had just happened (even though Pippa would probably call her after a few hours. Well, he really hoped she would.)

Carrie brightened considerably at that, reaching out for the file on the coffee table and thrusting it at Jamie. "I actually did want to talk to you about this. What exactly is this supposed to be, Jamie?"

"What do you mean?" Jamie asked, taking the folder from her, flipping it open to find a copy of his story he had given Carrie to review for him. 

"First off," she said. "That is the first story you have written in months and it is terrible, it is all kinds of awful."

The criticism didn't sting that deep, or at all. In fact, Jamie could barely even remember writing the story. Carrie raised an eyebrow in suspicion when he voiced these thoughts aloud. It was no secret that Jamie put a lot of effort into the stories he wrote and consequently became incredibly attached to them. 

"Have you, uh-" Carrie hesitated for a moment before continuing. "Have you met Jack recently or are you avoiding him like you did last winter?"

Jamie's stomach dropped. This was a matter he wanted to avoid talking about at all costs, but of course, Carrie would want to talk about precisely that. Her faith in the Guardians had become more of a sort of therapy for her in difficult situations if a rather unhealthy one. 

_She still believes, she probably isn't facing the problem that you are,_ his treacherous thoughts whispered. 

Over time, Jamie had realized that there were two things in his life that he was certain of: his family and his unwavering faith in the Guardians of Childhood. His belief in the Guardians had honestly become more of a second nature to him; even if he might have questioned it once in a while, it was something that had always been supported by the appearance of Jack Frost at the onset of winter every year since the time Jamie was ten years old (the fact that he spent most of his holidays with the winter spirit made it hard to _not_ believe in him). So, all in all, Jamie was pretty used to being the one who still had faith in his ‘childhood fantasies’, even as his final year of school drew to an end. He was long-used to the occasional taunts thrown at him by some of the people he had grown up with (who had long since lost hope that the Guardians truly existed, passing them off as mere stories they had enjoyed as children), used to knowing that Cupcake and Sophie were the only ones he could talk to about the Guardians because they alone, besides Jamie, still believed.

In the more recent years, he had even become accustomed to the slight flutter in his chest and the odd bout of happiness he felt when he thought about Jack, the excitement that preceded his arrival every winter. Spending time with Jack was probably the only reason he truly loved the season. What he wasn’t accustomed to, however, was the presence of a splitting headache whenever he attempted to picture the Guardians, to think of them as _real._ It had started two months ago, initially only a slight throb before he had started to avoid all thoughts of the Guardians altogether to hold off the terrible attacks. A few years, even a few months ago, he wouldn't have even considered the possibility of losing his faith in the Guardians. Now though, he almost, _almost_ wished he had never met them, or had just been able to stop believing in them entirely. 

"Jamie?" Carrie's voice snapped him out of his thoughts. 

Jamie took a deep breath, biting down on his lip. "I-I don't think I want to write about the Guardians anymore."

"What?" Carrie said, confused. 

And so Jamie told her everything, from the time his headaches had set in. Carrie listened intently, seeming completely focused on what Jamie was saying and by the end of his narration, she almost looked disappointed. 

"Nothing like that has been happening to me," she said, reaching for one of the mugs resting on the coffee table. "Maybe, you just don't want to believe in the Guardians anymore. I mean, perhaps some small part if you still does, if you're still talking about them like they're real, but if you're getting these…headaches as a result of it, perhaps you're just, I dunno, forcing yourself."

Jamie let himself mull over that for a few minutes, encircling his hands around his own mug. Sometimes it did feel like he was forcing himself to keep believing even when all he had wanted was for the memories to disappear. It was terrifying, questioning your own sense of reality. It had all seemed so easy, so clear when they were kids, to surrender and believe in whatever they saw and even what they didn't see. The Guardians, who had once felt so real to him, at times felt like mere distortions of memory if Jamie didn't really allow himself to focus on the time he had (apparently) spent with them. At this point, Jamie didn't know what to believe in, or if he even wanted to believe in anything, anymore. 

"You could be right," he said finally. "Honestly, I don't know what to do about it or if I even want to do anything about it. It's...really confusing."

"It's never really occurred as an option to me," Carrie said. "Believing or not believing; that belief is all I've needed to get through bad times. Sometimes, it felt like it was all I had."

There was silence for a while after that. They had talked late into the evening, Jamie found on checking his watch, he'd have to get going soon. 

"Say, Jamie?"

"Yeah?" he replied, looking up at her. 

"You said this started a few months ago. But, why exactly did you avoid Jack last winter?"

"No reason," he said almost immediately, absolutely refusing to think about it. He would rather never confront those thoughts."That was different."

"But-"

"I should get going," he said, placing his mug on the table and quickly standing up. "I'll see you later Carrie. "

On his way out, he couldn't help but wonder exactly when their lives had gotten so complicated. 

(He decided to ignore the familiar ring of laughter he'd heard on his way home that made him whip his head around almost immediately, only to find out that it had seemed to come from nowhere.)

* * *

_"I can't believe the summer's nearly over," Pippa said._

_Jamie looked out at the sky painted in the colours of sunset, the birds crying softly as they circled above them. The sight filled him with a strange sense of nostalgia, and he unconsciously shuffled closer to Claude, who unhesitatingly wrapped an arm around his shoulders._

_"I can't believe Monty's moving away," Jamie huffed._

_"Not by choice," Monty groaned, leaning back against the bark of a tree."Thankfully, this is the last year of school anyway."_

_"I guess so,” Jamie said, unconvinced that this was something he could be optimistic about. "I still don’t like it, though.”_

_“Neither do I,” Carrie grumbled, reaching out and interlacing her fingers with Pippa’s. “But I think it’ll be alright, we’ll still stay in touch.”_

_“It’ll be alright,” Pippa echoed distractedly._

_Jamie sighed, leaning into Claude’s shoulder, glancing at Pippa and Carrie’s intertwined hands._

_‘We’ll be alright,’ he told himself. ’We have to be.'_

* * *

"I worry about the both of you at times, you know,” Pippa sighed into the phone. "It’s becoming terribly stressful.”

Jamie flicked the bobblehead placed on his desk out of boredom. “Was that an attempt at a joke?”

“Perhaps it was an actual concern,” Pippa replied, and Jamie couldn’t help but think that she sounded uncharacteristically downcast. “But...” she trailed off, and Jamie could just imagine her biting her lip and fiddling with the bracelet she always wore.

“What is it?” Jamie asked, some of the drowsiness fading from his voice.

“Jamie, when you talk about the-” Pippa started, her voice dropping to a whisper, sounding almost frightened."When you talk about things like...Jack Frost and the Guardians, do you do that to just humour Carrie or do you, somehow, genuinely believe them to be real?”

A slight ache was beginning to form at the side of his forehead, even as he tried to push all the thoughts causing it away. Somehow, avoiding the matter seemed to make it worse. He kneaded his forehead as he struggled to reply. Did he believe the Guardians were real, that they actually existed? It sounded almost ridiculous at first but then he had seen them, had touched them, had hugged Jack so many times. His head began to throb as he recalled how unimaginably warm Jack was, how he had begun to nestle his head in the crook of his neck as Jamie had started to grow taller than he was. At the moment, the memories felt almost imagined, conscious hallucinations but Jamie had been _so sure_ that they were _real_. 

“Honestly, I-I don’t know anymore,” Jamie gasped out, fingers clutching his hair in pain.“I don’t know.”

“How do you not-” Pippa began before interrupting herself. “Jamie, are you okay?”

“I-it’s just a headache,” Jamie choked, his eyes starting to water.

“We can talk later if-”

“No!” he nearly shouted, and then took deep breaths, trying to lower his voice. “No, I wanted to ask, did you talk to Carrie?”

Pippa’s voice wavered slightly as she spoke. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Jamie gritted his teeth, resting his head on his desk. 

_Don’t think about him. It’ll go away if you don’t think. Focus on talking to Pippa, you need to know if she worked out everything with Carrie._

He sighed in relief as the pain slowly started to ebb away. 

“Jamie?”

“Is...Cupcake going to be okay?”

There was a sharp intake of breath at the other end of the line before Pippa answered, and the steadiness in her voice seemed forced. “I broke up with her.”

Jamie sat up with a start, the phone almost slipping from his hand. The room swayed around him, his fingers gripping the arm of his chair. “What?"

“I couldn’t do it anymore Jamie,” Pippa choked. "I couldn’t deal with the constant panic attacks, breakdowns, with her belief in things that don’t exist. I couldn’t...I’ve been wanting to do this since the beginning of the school year but never had the courage to until now-”

“The breakdowns aren’t exactly her fault,” Jamie snapped, anger starting to burn inside him. “You said you understood that, you knew it and said you accepted it before you got together with her. Were you even going to tell me about this? You know how she gets, you can’t possibly have thought she could get through this on her own!”

“I called to tell you about it. Things have changed, Jamie, I thought I could deal with everything but-” she faltered and Jamie had to stop himself from letting out an incredulous laugh.

“You can’t expect me to believe that when you’ve been with her for two years-”

“I’ve tried to make it work Jamie!” Pippa yelled.” I’ve tried-”

“Perhaps it would be easier for you to admit to yourself that you’re embarrassed to be with her,” Jamie said, anger writhing within him, not truly realizing what he was saying. “It would make a lot more sense-”

“Shut up, Jamie!” Pippa yelled. “You have no right-”

“Carrie’s my friend,” Jamie shot back."I-”

“Why did you turn Claude down, Jamie?” Pippa cut across him, and Jamie fell silent, unable to think of anything to say in response. There were several moments of heavy silence. Honestly, even he had no idea as to the reason why he'd rejected Claude. The entire conversation had seemed to have happened so quickly, he recalled it in a blur of movement and sound. He didn't think he'd even tried to explain his reason to Claude, or if there was any real reason behind it in the first place. 

“I’ve never tried to get involved in your business more than I should, more than you were comfortable with. So you have _no right_ to act like this, to ask questions I don’t want to answer. Did you really think I would go through with something like this without thinking about it? I'm trying not to be as impulsive as I used to be. Did you think I wouldn't be careful with this?" 

"I'm sorry," Jamie said, most of his rage draining from him, leaving him feeling tired and guilty."I'm just worried."

"You might not want things to change Jamie, you've always had a problem with that, " Pippa continued, her voice low and hoarse. "But we're not kids anymore, you may have to get used to it."

"I know," Jamie managed. "I just don't think I can."

"I'll talk to you later Jamie," Pippa said. "Just…think about trying to talk to Claude."

"Maybe," Jamie whispered, minutes after Pippa had hung up. 

He rested his arms on the table, burying his head in them, not wanting to think about anything for a while, longing to return to the time when it had all seemed so much easier. 

* * *

_An elated, mischievous cackle, accompanied by a loud shriek, filled the streets of Burgess, bringing with it trails of ice and trickles of snowflakes that joined the gradually accumulating sheets of snow on the ground. Jack flipped and soared through the air, Jamie gripped in his arms, his eyes squeezed shut, heart thudding wildly against his chest as they cut through the freezing wind. By the time he dared to open his eyes, they were rounding the corner and soaring up the street to his house, where Jack placed him back on his feet, putting an arm on his shoulder to steady him as he staggered, smirking down at him. Jamie flashed a toothy smile of his own, his face flushed._

_"Me too! Me too!” Sophie shouted, jumping up and down._

_Jack laughed as he turned to look at her, rushing forward and grabbing her, lifting her off the ground and soaring down the street; the air once again resonating with shrieks of laughter._

* * *

"Did you even bother to try and talk to him?"

Jamie glared at his Monty through the screen of his laptop, sincerely regretting having asked him for advice. He’d seen the steely determination that had taken over Monty's gaze as he finished recounting the entire situation with Claude and had silently cursed his inability to deal with his problems on his own. For all his timidness, Monty could be incredibly persistent when he wanted to be, and this, much to his dismay, was turning out to be one of those times. 

“Well, did you?” Monty prodded after several minutes of silence on his part.

“No,” he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Why not?” he demanded.

“It’s complicated.”

“Or perhaps it really isn’t and you’re just complicating everything just for the sake of it.”

“Why would-that’s ridiculous. How can you possibly-”

“You always get caught up in your exaggerations, Jamie. You’re not exactly the most rational person-”

Jamie banged his fist on the table as a sudden wave of irritation washed over him, silencing his friend. He winced as his hand stung in pain and bit his lip, averting his gaze.

"I _do_ want to talk to him," he said a few moments later, meeting Monty's gaze as he continued to speak, "more than anything. But I don't think he particularly wants to talk to me at the moment, to listen to me justify my reasons for rejecting him. And everyone keeps telling me to just give him time but it's already been a month and I've never gone this long without talking to him. Somehow I feel- you can mock me for being dramatic all you like- that if we go even longer without speaking to each other...we won't be able to fix this. He probably wants to avoid me for as long as he can, as it is."

Monty sighed, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Then _talk_ to him, Jamie. I don't think there's any other way out of this."

"Yeah," Jamie whispered, his shoulders slumping, not believing a word he was saying. "You're right."

He hardly paid attention to the conversation they attempted to carry on after this point, but it was really just good enough for him to have the company. He hadn't spoken to any of his friends in a while. He wasn't talking to Claude and conversations with either Pippa or Carrie would always end up lacking the effortlessness that they used to have (he knew this was incredibly silly of him, but he somehow couldn't help the awkwardness and unease that would creep up on him when he talked to them). It seemed unreal to him, how the bonds he'd thought were the strongest he had could be weakened over a span of a few months. His heart sank as the video call ended, remaining seated at his desk as he stared at the laptop's screen, the loud ticking of the clock resting on his desk only made him nervous as he tried not to think about the decision he had to make. But he couldn't exactly push it away, ignore it for much longer, could he? He shut his laptop aggressively, eyeing the phone kept beside it. He was raising his hand hesitatingly, inching towards it when he caught a blur of movement out of the corner of his eye, making him swerve on his office chair so quickly that the back of the chair collided with the desk with a loud _bang_. He faced the window, which had been pulled shut and latched, finding nothing there. But he could have sworn he'd seen a blur of white and blue-

He gritted his teeth in anger, pushing those thoughts away. He rose from his chair, stalked across the room and drew the curtains close over the window. Perhaps he was simply that lonely and desperate.

He grabbed hold of his phone, typed out and sent the text message before he could change his mind.

* * *

_Claude's lips quirked up in amusement as he watched Jamie stumble and flounder on the ice, as he desperately tried to maintain his balance only to comically fail every time._

_"You seem to get worse at ice skating every time you try it."_

_Jamie glared at him as he made to regain his footing, only to stumble and slip again, causing Claude to start laughing uncontrollably._

_"This isn't funny!" Jamie pouted."Stop laughing! I'm being serious-"_

_Claude skated over to where Jamie lay fallen and sprawled, helping him up and off the ice. Jamie collapsed on the bench as soon as they reached it, burying his face in his hands._

_"I give up," Jamie moaned ."I'm never trying this again."_

_"That is the most intelligent decision you've taken today," Claude said, patting Jamie on the back. "It'll be good for everyone to be relieved from the sight of you falling on the ice."_

_"Shut up," Jamie whined, swatting at his arm._

_"Perhaps you could try your luck with skiing instead."_

_The loud groan of protest Jamie gave made him burst into giggles once again._

* * *

Jamie's eyes stung as flung open the door to his house, quickly closing it before rushing up the stairs to his room, and locking himself inside. He slid down against the door, embarrassed and shaking, shrugging his coat off and throwing it across the room with as much strength as he could muster, angrily ripping his gloves off and similarly discarding them. He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, biting his lip and trying his hardest not to cry. This didn't mean anything.

 _Maybe he was just busy_ , he tried to reason with himself. _He wouldn't ignore you, maybe he'll call or reply to the message later. He wouldn't-_

 _Were you really expecting him to show up?_ his thoughts mocked. _Even when he didn't reply to the message you'd sent two days ago and the way you didn't even think twice before saying 'no' when he asked you out? He probably wants nothing to do with you at this point._

Jamie removed his glasses and angrily swiped at his eyes, sniffling. 

_It didn't mean anything,_ he tried to tell himself again, even though had no faith in the words. _He'll contact you later._

 _Except for the fact that he won't,_ his thoughts whispered.

Jamie's breath hitched in his throat and he shivered as he tried to hold back a sob.

Claude had been his closest friend for as long as he could remember, the person he could trust with anything. He couldn't imagine talking to him again, didn't think he could handle that. Definitely not when they were at odds because of something like this. Even though Jamie knew he should stand by what he felt, he'd been beating himself up for days overturning Claude down; he'd even found himself wishing that he had just said 'yes' to Claude that day if it meant he wouldn't lose him completely. But during the entire month, he'd actually seriously considered more than a few times that-

Maybe his romantic feelings for Claude weren't as nonexistent as he'd thought them to be.

A sudden bout of cold air swept into the room, making him shiver and wrap his arms tightly around himself. The windows to the room had been flung open, the curtains fluttering and flying in the wind. He put his glasses back on and hastily made his way across the room on unsteady feet, fumbling with the latch as he pulled the windows shut and drew the curtains close. He started as a flurry of snowflakes seemed to rise from the floor only seconds later, swirling in a spiral that seemed to grow in height, tickling and nipping at his nose. Before he had the time to fully comprehend much of anything, arms wrapped around him from behind and he let out a startled squeak, turning around only to be faced with the fading image of a boy with startling blue eyes and a crooked smile

He yelped as he attempted to free himself, only to fall on the floor in the process. He glanced up to see that the intruder's image kept fading in and out of sight-a blur of blue and white.

"Jamie," said an achingly familiar voice and suddenly, there seemed to be a heavy weight pressed to each of his shoulders and the image of the boy jumped out at him, making him gasp in surprise. His head was pounding and his heart was beating violently; he gripped the sides of his head and squeezed his eyes shut as the voice called his name again and the pounding in his head only seemed to worsen.

 _Stop this_ , he thought desperately, as the voice kept calling his name. _Go away, please just go away._

His plea seemed to be unheard, however, as his name was called out with even more frequency and urgency than before.

He was almost relieved when his vision started to blur and the voice started to seem far-off, distant. There wasn't much more he could make out as everything started to fade out of sight till there was nothing left but darkness.

* * *

_"No one believes in us forever," Jack was telling him, perched on the edge of Jamie's bed. "As kids grow older, it becomes a lot harder for them to dream and imagine like they used to. They begin to forget, they stop believing."_

_Jamie looked up at Jack, appearing to be completely immersed in what he was saying. Certain defiance came over him as the words sunk in and he crossed his arms over his chest._

_"I'll never stop believing," he declared proudly, puffing his chest._

_"Jamie-" Jack started, chuckling sadly._

_"I won't forget," Jamie repeated stubbornly. "I'll hold on, I promise!"_

_"Alright, alright," Jack relented, raising his hands in surrender._

_This seemed to satisfy Jamie as he brightened almost immediately and lunged forward to tackle Jack in a hug._

* * *

_Sparks and patterns of white and blue danced across his vision, landscapes of seemingly never-ending snow for as far as he could see, accompanied by the resonating sound of a familiar voice. He felt as though he was gliding as his surroundings continuously warped and shifted, leaving him feeling sluggish and dizzy._

_“-amie!” he heard someone call out. The voice seemed to be coming from behind him but his limbs were frozen in place, and he couldn’t will himself to move. A sudden haze came over his vision, and the patterns of ice began to fade and move away from him before disappearing entirely._

_“Jamie!” the voice called out again, louder and clearer._

_He knew that voice, he was certain of it, he just couldn’t seem to place-_

_“Jamie!”_

_A wave of recognition passed over him as he heard the voice again._

_“Jack?” he attempted to say, his voice sounding foreign to his own ears._ _He could barely make anything of the rush of speech that followed afterwards._

_“-look like,” he could hear. “-need to focus on what I look like."_

_Jamie tried his hardest to hear what was being said but couldn’t understand anything else. Everything was starting to fade into transparency, melt into nothing once again, closing in on him, making him feel trapped and suffocated._

_“-look like.”_

_‘What he looks like?’ he thought. 'I can do that.'_

_Then again, he found himself being incredibly unsure. It was hard for him to remember what the spirit looked like, no matter how hard he tried. Almost everything was shrouded in darkness and as he felt himself melt into it, he conjured an image of a boy he had known almost his entire life, desperately grabbing at the strings of all the memories he had left._

He gasped for breath as his eyes flew open, dark spots swimming in front of his eyes. As his eyes adjusted and his vision cleared, he could make out that he was lying on his bed. The only sources of light in the dark room seemed to be that of the lamp on his bedside table and the little moonlight that was filtering in through the window. His limbs felt heavy and he ached all over. 

"Jamie?" someone said worriedly. "Are you okay?"

Jamie jerked upright into a sitting position, regretting his decision immediately after as his head spun and his stomach clenched from the sudden movement. His pulse pounded in his ears as he started into worried blue eyes, at the pale hand slowly inching towards him. 

Overwhelmingly, the entire situation seemed to clear and distort itself at the same time. Jamie remained frozen with shock as the fingers came closer, placing themselves gently on his cheek and slowly moving upwards to reach and stroke his hair. 

"Jack," Jamie croaked, uttering the first thing that came to mind because it felt like that was the only thing he was capable of doing at this point of time. he felt as though he was part of an odd dream as Jack shifted, crawling forward on his knees so that he was seated right in front of Jamie, placing his free hand on Jamie's shoulder. 

"Focus," Jack whispered. "Or you won't be able to see me."

Jamie felt incredibly confused for a few moments as he continued to stare at the winter spirit. 

_Is he really here?_ he asked himself. _Does he even truly exist?_

"I don't know if you're real," Jamie said, feeling himself shudder and his eyes starting to droop. A sharp pain shot through his forehead."I really don't."

Jack sniffed, still carding his fingers through Jamie's hair. "I know you don't,'

Jamie willed himself to stay awake, reaching out grab hold of ( what seemed like) Jack's hand, gripping it tightly. Jack seemed to become more stark and clear to his eyes, the hand he was gripping feeling warmer and heavier, and the throbbing in his forehead worsened. He kept his eyes fixed on Jack's, somehow feeling the desperation to know if this was real.

He needed to make sure. 

Jamie leaned forward, hooking his arms around Jack's neck, his movements sluggish. He ignored the apparent look of surprise on the spirit's face and pressed his lips against Jack's. 

He hadn't quite known what to expect, still feeling as though this was a fevered hallucination, even as Jack's hands tightened in his hair and an odd wave of longing washed over him as the kiss deepened. 

_This would be nice_ , Jamie thought. _If I didn't feel like my head was going to split open_. 

He opened his eyes as the kiss broke, only to find that the skin beneath his fingers was beginning to fade away, feeling like wisps if cold air, along with Jack's silhouette. 

"You're fading," Jamie whispered hoarsely.

He heard a sharp intake of breath and a barely suppressed sob. 

"You promised you'd hold on."

Jamie tried to pull at his thoughts as much as he could through the pain, even as it all slipping away, and Jamie was left thinking it had been an illusion all along. 

"I'll try," he said. 

_But I don't think I can_ , he thought, Jack's hand disappearing from his grasp _._

 _I really don't._

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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